Dad Guilt is Common: For New Dads & Veterans

Dad guilt something not expressed but often felt. Understand dad guilt is common regardless if you a new or veteran dad, and there a different types of dad guilt. 

Transcript

Times With Dad
There's no Avery. I don't have Avery here today. I don't, I don't really know how I'm to start this podcast. Let me try to figure it out. maybe yo, yo, yo, yo. What's up, yo? Hmm. Nah. Maybe I should just just do it regular. I was like, she was like, I was like, she was like, nah, that's how my friend talks. Maybe I should just say, this is Jonathan and you're listening to times with dad.

So let's this podcast started. Alright, so this is Times with Dad and this week, there's no Avery as you can see. It's just gonna be me. And we're gonna talk about dad guilt. How common is it? What kind of types they are? And you're not alone. This is something that comes across for new dads, veteran dads, and something that when I experienced I was a little bit surprised quite honestly. But I wasn't originally gonna do this. I had this as a backup episode.

And I really did this episode is because everyone to do this episode with his cousins. He wanted to call it, I think times with brother or times with kids and the takeover. And he was doing that episode with his cousin, Neil, but it didn't really go well. And here's how it sounded. So what's the crazy story?

It's a baby story!

He did say some stuff that surprised me. One being that he was afraid to go into first grade and a few other things and I wanted to dive into that but I really couldn't because again the episode didn't sound too well.

Well, if I could have one thing to have for like the rest of my life. In the meantime, what I have been doing is I have begun setting up a lot of our social profiles. We're on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube. I even got into threads. If you're not on threads, you should definitely follow me. Reason is it's not really what I post. It's what I reply. A little bit of a troll there.

I feel like I'm doing a lot of dad comments, really enjoying this dad life ever since I've gotten a little bit more fully engaged on it. I feel like me making fun of my father as a kid and a lot of things he used to do, I've kind of embarked and embedded that and I've really been enjoying it. I've been showcasing a little bit more of my personality and definitely look us up on there. Why am I even bringing up the social things? If you remember, Avery said he's looking for 100 ,000 followers because in his words, I got my eye on you followers.

I watch all you subscribers. But what sparked this idea for even this episode? One reason is I was doing some YouTube search and trying to figure out how to become a little bit better at podcasting services, even what other dad podcasts exist so I can just, you know, listen to them learn as well. And I came across a podcast that has a YouTube channel that seems to be pretty interesting and it's called DadVerb. And in that episode of DadVerbs,

He talks about things he wish he knew as a new father. One of those things was dad guilt. And he talks about that quite a bit. And it's a channel that I would recommend you following because he has things like this. Dadverb, it's a YouTube channel that creates content for new parents or young families from a father's perspective. Dadverb makes videos, reviews, and courses to help men prepare for and navigate fatherhood.

The content includes baby gear, buying gear, courses for new dads. Again, he has his podcast. He even hosts that podcast with two other dads. I've seen at times, I don't know if that's all the time, but definitely he has that. And then he also offers a private group for dads so you can get tips and support. So if you haven't heard of Dadverb, highly check them out. So dad guilt, really more common than you think. It's not something that you're probably gonna hear most people talk about.

It's something that I've never really talked about. It's something I never heard a lot of my friends who have kids talk about. Again, when I listened to Dadverb and he mentioned it, it was something that kind of hit home for me. Something that I didn't really experience for a little while. I can recall the first time I did experience it was with Avery when he was a toddler. He kind of wanted a lot of my attention at times and I wanted space. I just wanted a little bit time for myself.

And I felt guilty about that because my son is looking to spend as much time with me. He enjoys spending time with me. And here I am thinking, I need me time. I should be spending most of my time with him. Why am I feeling like I don't want to spend some time with him? Is this normal? Is this something that is making me a bad father? Is he noticing this? What is my wife thinking? It was all these thoughts that were circulating through my mind. And I didn't really know if I should mention it, if I should speak on it. Is it common? Is it not?

Again, that's not something I've heard ever before from my father, from uncles that I know have kids, again, friends. And how do I deal with it? In addition to how do I deal with it? What other guilt are there? Is it just the main guilt, like I've said for myself, which is not spending enough time with my son? Is it that I feel like I'm not teaching my son everything he should be learning? One thing I somewhat feel guilty about is I don't teach my son Portuguese. It's something that even though I

truly enjoy being Portuguese, it's not a thing that I really embark on teaching him. And I feel a little guilty about it at times that I should be bringing him more around that culture. He seems to want to know that culture. He's asking me things lately like, dad, how do you say close the door and open the door in Portuguese? One night he came up to me and said, I know how to speak Spanish. And I said, really, Avery, what do you know how to say? And he goes, bonnet.

Since I'm not teaching him, essentially in my mind, I'm not helping his growth. I'm not taking advantage of that early childhood knowledge that he's gonna be able to soak in and then learn new things faster than someone like us who are adults. And when I first got that dad guilt, it was a truly fork moment. What's a fork moment? Ask Avery. Avery, Avery, come here. Say fork.

Avery didn't really care about any fork moments, nor did he care about having any technical issues when he was trying to do his time as a brother. Why? Because he's enjoying the show. I'm enjoying the show. I'm enjoying him watch the show. Blair loves to be a part of the show. And that's one thing that takes away guilt from me of not teaching him some of that, because as I said in some episodes, this show is helping him grow. And so it's helping also me deal with some of my dad guilt of not continuing his growth. And they have a great time with it.

Just like in the episode when they're singing Jingle Bells. Why? I don't know. It's August.

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle

Personally, I think every dad's gonna go through dad guilt at some point in time. At least once. It may be early, it may be later, but it's definitely gonna be a thing that you experience. And if you don't believe me, don't even argue with me.

Okay, but what else if that doesn't happen?

is definitely more than one type of guilt. It could be again, about you wanting some solo time. It could be about you feeling like you're not growing your child. It also could be the guilt of feeling like you shouldn't be able to accept help. You're a parent, you're a dad, you got this, asking for help. People saying you need help. You telling people you need help. Why? Right? That's probably the thoughts going through your head, went through my head. I got this. I don't need your help.

I shouldn't be in a position to be accepting help. And when I felt like I was going to, I felt like I was kind of failing. But early on, people who had kids definitely understood this. Again, they didn't mention anything about the guilt, but they knew that, like the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a kid. And when me and my wife first had Avery, a friend of ours was like, hey, when you guys get home, call me.

Let me know, you guys are gonna be tired. You're gonna want some food. And I was like, no, we're not gonna call them. When we leave, we'll get food, we're fine. We don't need their help in this instance. I was a little stubborn on it. But once we got home, after the nurses bothering me, after the administrative staff bothering my wife, the diabetic staff bothering my wife, us trying to stay awake, taking care of the kids, us having AV around midnight after my wife pushing for three hours, you best believe when we got home.

I was like, babe, call them and get that pizza. And because of that, that's something we do now. Every single time we know someone's having a kid, a new parent, first thing we do is say, when you get there, call us. We wanna buy you food. Because it's exhausting, man. they don't leave you alone. Now me personally, I tried to have a good time when we was having a kid. For an example, a nurse came up to me and said, do you have any questions? And I said, yeah, how much money do you think I can get on eBay for Avery? What?

What other guilt could you possibly experience if not just that? Is there many others? Of course, son. One other guilt is time away from the kids. Your house being a mess. I don't know about you, but I live in my home. So much as I try to keep it clean, I still let my kids make a mess to a certain extent. But my mom, she definitely wasn't like that. Other than my parent, there's sometimes that my mom tells me stories that I get to learn a little bit more about myself that I didn't really know. For an example, growing up,

I always felt like I was somewhat of a lefty. And my mom and my dad, they don't want their kids to be lefties. It's a cultural thing. I don't know why. Nobody drop it, drop it. Which leads me into another guilt that I am now battle with nowadays. I have two kids and I'm constantly saying to myself, am I treating both kids equally? And as much as I think I am and I try to be, there's moments where Avery, now that he's more cognizant, reveals to me,

that there are certain times that he thinks we're not. For an example, when Avery was younger, he would act up, he would get a little pow pow on his butt. And with Blair, even though we discipline her, there are certain times where I'm noticing that I'm a little bit more lenient on her than I would be with Avery. So it's not to say that I should be disciplining her to the same extent that I did with Avery, but Avery's noticing there is a slight difference.

One thing Avery said to my wife recently that she had to relate to me was Avery said, why am I always second? And even though he's never second, that boy is spoiled a little bit. Like, and I never thought I'd be spoiled on my kid, but he is spoiled in regards to he has things that I've never had. And I make sure I do my best to give him things that he wants and he has to earn it. But he still thinks, certain instance is, he's second. Why does he think that? One,

could be again, that he's remembering we let certain things slide for him as we do with Blair. But I'm trying to change that. So the other day, Blair made a mess. I asked Avery to clean it. Now Avery, the boy snitched on himself and I don't even know why he did that. I said, Avery clean up this mess. He said, Blair made the mess. I'm like, well, you and Blair must clean up the mess. And he says, I didn't make the mess at all, but I'll help clean it up. And I said, okay.

So Blair, go help Avery clean up this mess. Blair said no. So I grabbed Blair and I made her clean up the mess. But hearing Avery say that he's second, it really did bother me though. It just made me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job as being the dad. And I had some shame in it, but not my dad. My dad doesn't have any shame in that because my dad is clearly told me the other day, I didn't raise your kids. When I wasn't working, I still made sure I dropped her off at the babysitter because one thing my dad didn't neglect himself was,

me time. But he did prioritize paying the bills. He didn't steal that into me and paying the bills. He did instill a good work ethic, taking care of your home. And that's something that I want to steal into Avery and to Blair as well. And any other future kids that I have. But one thing I'm not going to steal in my kids is the way my dad does construction. If you know my dad, he never does a job where he doesn't do that same job twice. He doesn't like to measure. He likes to cut little corners.

thinking it saves him time. I don't get how he doesn't realize how trying to shave two minutes somehow is not adding an hour to his day. Just measure it, bro. you don't believe me? Let me tell you a story. So my dad calls me and he says, I need your help. I'm like, you need my help? And he's like, yeah, Jonathan, I need your help. 15 minutes. Now I'm out having some drinks with my uncle. So I know my dad. I've been helping my dad for years. said to my uncle, this ain't gonna be 15 minutes. It's gonna be at least an hour. So I asked him, what do you need help with? He's like,

I need you to help me move the boiler from the basement into the truck to Lowe's so I can replace the boiler because it's leaking. I need a new one. And I said, all right, I'll be there in a couple of minutes, but you can at least pack up that boiler and take it to Lowe's. They'll give you the new one, load it to the truck and I'll meet you at the job site, which was his rental property. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just come help daddy. It's too heavy for me. I'm not a young boy like you. All right, fine. I'll be there.

in 10 minutes and I'm gonna help you. So I get there to my surprise. He actually had the whole thing taken apart, which not really how he operates. He normally doesn't really start until I arrive. So I ask him, because I already know him. Did you measure what you need? Yeah, Jonathan, 15 minutes. I already told you. All right. OK, so we load it up, take it a lot. We get the new boiler. I ask if he knows the one he needs to replace. He said he does. We take it back. I take it down the stairs.

I take it into the boiler room only to see it's too small. And I'm like, how is this too small? Did you measure it? Yeah, Johnnita, I measure. We got the wrong one. My dad being my dad, it's never his fault. Somehow it's my fault that I only had to load it up, but it's the wrong size. Whatever. Let's go back to Lowe's. Let's get this thing replaced so I can get back to doing what I was doing. Like I was hanging out with my uncle and just enjoying my day. Okay, Johnnita.

So I told him, you definitely know the one you need. Yes, I make a mistake. I was supposed to get the pro. I didn't get the pro. That's the problem. I'm like, okay, that makes sense. So we get there and we grab the pro version, load it up, drive it to the house. I take it down the stairs into the basement as I'm bringing it into the room, the boiler room. My grandmother sees it she goes, same size? I was.

I was like, what do you mean the same size? How is she telling this is the same size already? Now for some reason, I didn't even pay attention. So I didn't really notice it was the same size. When my grandmother, while it's in the box, knew it was the same size. So I'm like, daddy, you have to measure this now. He's like, Jonathan, I said, get that tape measure, please measure it right now. So he measures it. We get to Lowe's. Now, one thing I haven't mentioned that makes this frustrating is my dad, whenever he gets something, you...

At least me, I'm thinking I might return this. Let me not really destroy the box. My dad gets a box cutter right down the middle. So as we're trying to put them back in the boxes, we're basically just wrapping it as if it's a rain wrap to get it back into Lowe's. So I have to get into Lowe's and now I'm embarrassed. So I have to tell the lady at Lowe's, hey, sorry. The first time my dad got the wrong one. The second time my dad got the wrong size. He really doesn't speak English like that. So can we exchange this again?

Now she kind of looks at us and she's like, okay, but this happens a third time. Now there's something a little fishy. We're to have to look a little more into it. So I said, fine. We get to the aisle and I'm like, dad, this is the one you need. Based off the measurements, this is the one you need. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, because also my dad being my dad and maybe I do the same thing. He just is always right. He's never wrong. As I said, he makes a mistake. It's my mistake. He's like, let's cut open the box inside the aisle and see if this is the right size so I can measure it. Bro.

You don't have to cut the box. He's like, yes, I do. Yes, I do. I'm like, daddy, you don't have to cut the box. The measurements are on the box. How you know? I'm like, cause they're right there. Well, long story short, it was the right one. And we got it back. We take it. I take it into the basement. And as soon as I get into the position and he sees it's the right size, I don't need you no more. Bye. I told you 15 minutes. Well, it wasn't 15 minutes. Like I thought was definitely a few hours of my day, but

Still, that's one thing that I've learned. Don't be like that. Measure twice, cut once. But it's a thing that I kinda enjoy now with my dad because those moments like that is like moments I'm spending and hanging out and spending time with him. The same way that I spend time with Avery doing the podcast and playing with him. My dad has a lot of moments, me helping him with construction that's kind of taught me how to do tiny things in my house because if you ask Avery, we said to him recently,

What do you wanna be when you grow up? And he says, I wanna be a builder like my dad. I'm not a builder at all. Which goes into other gifts, which are, am I spending enough time with the kids? Am I showing the kids enough love? Am I hindering their development? Am I a good dad? Or am I like that other dad? And trust me, bro, it's one thing you never wanna do. Don't compare yourself to other dads. So, that guilt, is it common? It is. Is it something you're probably gonna experience at some point in your life? You are.

Is it going to be a different kind of guilt that I didn't mention? Probably so. But just keep in mind, there's a reason you're going through dad guilt and you're going through dad guilt because you care, because you're there. So give yourself grace because every day is your first day of being a dad for that long.

So holler at your boy! I'm going to give him a thumbs up! Me I'm him thumbs up too.