Becoming A Parent Changes You

Jonathan and his wife Stefanie explore the profound changes that parenthood brings to individuals, discussing shifts in perspectives, responsibilities, and the importance of bonding with children. We reflect on our personal experiences, the challenges we face, and the impact of mental health on parenting. We emphasize the need for quality time, consistency, and understanding child development, while also acknowledging the unseen scars that can affect relationships within the family.

Transcript

Times With Dad
Let's see, can you do some talking? See if I get some levels for you. Hi, how are you doing? Ooh. Can you say times with dad? Times with dad. So let's look at before we start it. Today's topic is how parenting changes you. Yeah. How you're not the same person you was now than what you were before you had a kid. Yeah. Do you agree with that? definitely. You do? Yeah. Can you feel it?

I feel it.

When I sit back and think about it, I feel it. But day to day, just going about life. No. Has anyone ever told you you're different? No. I definitely feel where I'm different. And before I even get to that, I just want to read this. Something I never do on this episode or on this show, episodes. never something I never do with Times of Dad is I get all some stats. So.

I did research to see about that. Like, hey, do you feel different? And is it just a me thing or is there any data behind it? And so what says here, what I found online is a significant percentage of people report that parenthood has profoundly changed them. I like how they put profoundly in their studies and surveys often indicate that 60 to

80 % of parents say becoming a parent has significantly altered their perspectives, priorities or personal identities. Before we even get into some of those common things they mentioned, 60 to 80 %? Like, why is it a range like that? I don't even know. Where'd you get the statistic? The Googles. So anyway, common changes include.

increased patience and empathy.

I wouldn't agree with that when it comes to you.

let's get to that. Let's get to that. Because I feel like my patience is way higher. Maybe we just see maybe we just see how much has been tested. I will say in the inside, I feel like. I feel a little more patient, but.

All right. The other thing was a stronger sense of responsibility. you definitely. Yes. What about you? yeah, of course. I feel like I have like. That was the first thing I felt when I became a parent, like I didn't even I didn't feel like a mom, like I didn't like.

like that sense of a mom, mom-ish, I don't know, like I didn't feel like a mom when I first had Avery. It took me a minute to kind of be like, snap, I'm a mom, but I definitely felt that like, I'm responsible for this human and I got to make sure I keep it alive. Yep, with Avery, I definitely understood responsibility and forever because it was like, I have this dude.

Forever. Yeah, I'm responsible for him forever. I'm starting. I didn't get the sense of forever right away, but I'm starting to get it now. Like. I sometimes like would get so irked and annoyed when like my mom is just like constantly checking in on me and making sure I'm OK or when I'm sick, she's like having like a panic attack and like worrying about me and like all this stuff. And I'm just like, calm down woman, you know, like.

relax. But like, I'm now starting to really get that sense of it's forever. Like we're always constantly going to be worried for our kids in every stage of their life, like past 18 and into adulthood, into them being parents themselves and them and hopefully, you know, don't know how, you know, how far along we, you know, if we would be able to be

great, great parents, great, great grandparents. But yeah, like, I'm really, now I'm starting to really realize forever. Right. Hold on. There's more that's in this thing. Shifts in priorities often put in family and children above career and personal interests. And that's a fact. That is definitely a fact. I had some career goals.

that I was like, it's going to take away from family. Yep. And I was like, no, I don't need that. I don't want that. And I'll be honest, I don't need that. I don't want that now. Like if the kids were older, it's one thing, right? Like the kids are going to be not wanting to be around me anyway. And so I can be a little bit more selfish. But like right now I'm like, no. So I've changed that. And then the personal interests. my God. Do you know how many times they want to do something? I'm like, I don't care nothing about it.

And because they're just I'm interested for them. Right. Like it can be like. They want to go out. I don't want to go out. I want to stay inside. When I was younger, I always wanted to go out. And right now I just want to be chilling inside. Like my priorities is try to buy things to put in the house so I can stay in the house and chill in the house. But they want to go out and I get it. Right. But like if he talks about his shows or Blair talks about like her her things and.

I have to be just as like intrigued as they are and like, wow, that's so cool. Right. And so I'm more interested that they're happy and they're getting what they want. And then prioritizing my stuff, like very last for sure. would, I agree with all three of these for me, obviously the patients you don't, but I agree with the patients and we're going to dive into all of these. Right. But then the last one is changes in social behaviors and spending habits.

Spending habits are always cheap. My mom raised me like this. I'm ingrained in this thing. Right. It's to the point I think it's subconsciously passed down into Avery's DNA because I've never once that I can recall. I've brought up certain points. Example, he goes to the store and he's like, can I get like a toy or candy bar? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, okay. And he like, dad, that's like 9.99. I'm like,

Did I give you a number limit? And so I have to be like, it's fine. You can get it. He's like, yeah, cause it's expensive. It's like 9.99 for this toy. Maybe I should get this one is 8.99. That was great. Right. But it's like, I've never ever brought this into your, like your grandma's DNA is strong in you right now. You know how your mom likes to say like, every has your walk. Your mom, your mom picks up traits that like no one else knows. Like your mom can be like, yeah. You.

Avery's left toe touches first, just like you do. And you're like, what? What? And for sure, I'm like, yeah, he's cheap, just like my mom. All right. That's definitely been embedded. Now, peep it. It has not been embedded in Blair because she's like, shopping? yeah, I want to go shopping. Blair?

I'm gonna hide my wallet. I'm like, Blair, you want to go do something? She's like, no, I'm like, you want to go shop? She's like, yeah, she'll drop everything she's doing. Like, I don't care about any of this. yeah, I want to go shopping. Let's go shopping. She never came over shop before we're shopping for groceries. I don't care. Let's go shopping. We're spending money. We're shopping. Let's go. You know, and then she was so devastated when I went to go. I was like, going to the store to pick up groceries. And I was like, and she's like, go shopping. I was like.

No, not really. Mommy's just picking it up. And we get to the we get to the store and I parked the car and she's like, Mommy, can I take my seatbelt off now? We're going to go shopping. And I'm like, no, they're going to bring it to us. But mommy, I want to go shopping. Yeah, shopping, daddy. Shopping, shopping. And then on top of it, she has like a little fake purse. Sometimes she will carry around. She's like, no, shopping, Yeah, you have money. And that's the other thing I'm like.

Why do I have to have money? I'm like, do you have money? No, you have money. Let's try to dive into some of these. Right. And I'm not diving into them in a particular order. One of them is the tug of war parents face between personal space and then trying to build connection with the kids. Right. And for me, I love the time with the kids, but I'm always looking to see if I can like

get my own little personal space sometimes. You do it. And sometimes it drives me crazy. Because I'm like, what are you doing? You're like, I'm laying in the bed. I'm like, why are you laying in the bed? Why are you like, what are you doing in the bed? Nothing. Just on my phone browsing. And I'm like, do you not hear the Romans arguing down here? Like, it's like.

I can zone it out. You have to. There's a great war happening and you're just swiping endlessly. You just have to. But you know, if you need me, you can tap me in. Yeah, but like it irks me, but I won't lie. Now I'm like, I'm a, I'm I'm a like steal some time. Yeah. And you have them. yeah. I know. I know. But I never felt the need to like build personal time. Yeah.

until like lately, like the last couple of years, I'm like, I need my time. I need my sanity. You know, I need my sanity. Yeah. And I mean, you're doing it is great. But I'm saying I'm now getting to the point I'm like, I see the desire in the need for this where I like, Avery's like, can I? like, no, no, I like hanging with you. But now I need I need I need to be with me right now. I need a little. And then also, like sometimes I'm like, I need it for like professional reasons.

Yeah, like I'm in work and he's like barges in. He's like, I just got one thing and I'm in a call presenting in a meeting and I'm like, get out of the office. I'm working. I just got one question. I just got one. I'm like, get out of the office. And then I come back to the computer like, sorry. And I can hear people chuckling. I'm like, I know they all heard him. Mind you, my door's locked and now he knows how to unlock it. yeah, he knows how to unlock it. He figured it out. Yeah. So he goes and he like turns it on the other side and I see and I'm like,

God, I'm like, as he's opening, I'm pushing them back out. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I need my time right now. I need this for work. I mean, we need this to be the bills. But like, definitely, like I want us. I want to be with them and then I don't want to be with them. And as soon as I'm not with them, don't want to be with them. It's just you need you need your sanity. No, I don't want to be with them. I just want my time. I don't want to be with you. Right. And I'm no I'm learning. That's not a bad thing. Like I need that moment.

It doesn't have to be long periods of time. It'd be like my 10 to 12 at night, whatever. But the funny thing is, is like, I'm like, I can't wait to go on a trip. I'm going to go on a solo trip. And as soon as I get there, like next morning, I wake up and I'm like, first off, I wake up. My back's not feeling it because I don't have to like the kids like literally, literally. Avery slept on my back. Yesterday, like he was on the side of me. I saw him.

like swirling around, couldn't get comfortable. So he thought, that'd be a great idea if I just lay on his back. And then he's swirling on my back and I'm trying to sleep through it. Right. But the whole point is like, I'm like, I can't wait to just have my time and not feel guilty about it. And so as I wake up, I'm like, I miss them. want to, I want to check in on them. Or you're thinking, this would have been so nice to do with them or, my God, they would have loved this. And

this and that and yeah. they could make it fun, right? Like when we went, we went to the zoo and Callie and like, yeah, I want to go to the zoo. I did something we wanted to do with them, right? But like it's something that a fun moment that you're not going to get naturally. And we're like, Avery, what do you want to see? And he's like, I want to see this. And Blaine's like, I want to see a dinosaur. I want to see a T-Rex. I'm like, if they got this in his zoo, I'm not coming back. You know, so it was like.

There's things I want to do personal connections with them, especially things I didn't do like that growing up. Like when we went trick or treating in Cali, I thought that was great. I'm like, I've never done a traditional thing in a non-traditional way. And I'm like, now that wants to be my new tradition. Yeah. I want to do it. But I want it for them to be like, do you know how cool you are to say you went trick or treating across the country and you're never going to remember it? But it's super cool to be like.

I see how like other people do certain traditions and other locations that you would never think to do. I heard Will Smith would. I think he did this with Willow and and the reason I'm not sure about this, but it came out of his mouth. I saw an interview of him saying this, but I'm not sure as far as like he could be making it up. Right. But anyway, he said in an interview one time that what they would do for Christmas is he would always let Willow pick where they would go. And what they would do is they'll check the weather forecast.

and see what city would get the biggest amount of And then that's where they would go. And they would be locked in a cabin as a family, snowed in, enjoying Christmas because, you know, they live in Cali. It's not really snow like in LA. And so I was like, that's cool. Like that's like a little tradition that he was able to do that. And so like, again, now I'm like, I would like to do that. It doesn't have to be the same holiday.

But once again, I would like to do something like that. Yeah. I know, know the family that I used to babysit for, they, whenever a snowstorm would come, they would go to, they would go to New York and they would drive to New York and so that they can go skiing. And I love that. everybody's like getting ready to bundle inside and stay in for the day. And they're like, yep, we're going to go to New York and we're going to go skiing.

And like the snow, I remember the boy, the youngest was, I think he was like three at the time. The snow was taller than him. So we had to put him on a sled so that we can bring him into inside of the house. Because if he stepped on the snow, he was going to just go right through it. Let me ask you this. Speaking on like the personal stuff, you said it's for your sanity. Mm hmm. Do you ever notice that how it impacts you?

and or the kids when you get your personal time? I'm more involved and I'm more present and I'm more patient. So you become a better person. Yeah. Which becomes a better parent. Yeah. I think I feel rejuvenated. Yeah. For sure. I definitely feel rejuvenated. I will say I thought I'd been giving Avery a lot of time. What do mean? I thought I'd been giving him a lot of like us time. Right. Like he doesn't feel like he doesn't feel like it.

And then he told me that recently. Yeah. He said, yeah, it did. I was like, what are you talking about? I need you to explain this and define it and come down to a logical explanation of where you feel the way you feel. Because I'm like, what? I'm with you all the time. Right. But I can get it. And when he said it, I was like, he's right in a way because his perspective. So like he was like, daddy, I don't feel like I'm hanging out with you enough.

I was like, what you mean you don't hang out with me enough? Like we hang out all the time. And he was like, yeah, but I have to wait because you're busy or because you're working. when I'm He's with you a lot. He's with me, right? He doesn't feel like he's- But he doesn't feel like we're together. Yeah. And I get it when he's like, you're working. Cause this time I'm like, no, I'm working, working. And then I was looking good because I work from home. I like break little moments to be with him a lot, especially because I used to work and raise him. Yeah.

you while you was working in the office. I did that for what, like three years with him. So his first three years I'm with him like 24 hours a day. Yeah. And so like now like he doesn't feel it. And so when he, when he said it, was like, he's right. Cause sometimes it's in a weekend. I'm like, I got things I got to do around the house. Like I'm like, I got to do this. I got to do that. And I'm like, I'm busy or I'm working. Can you give me some moments? And he does, and he waits patiently. and he's like, he always wakes up.

5 a.m. every day. So he's waiting for all of us to come down the stairs and all that thing. But yeah, first, first it got me annoyed. Who are you talking about? I do all the time with me all the time. Sleeping on my back. He talking about right. But then I thought about it from perspective, I was like, no, yeah, this time, like you said, so I try to do a little things. I'm like, OK, I'm to be working in my office, but you can be in here with me. But I'm going put my headphones on.

you have a question, you can ask me. So I try to do little things to make him feel like he's involved. So thus, if he's involved, thus he feels we're hanging out. Yeah. And then I also say to him, like, what do you want to do? Which I always do. But now we're a little bit more cognizant of like, what do you want to do that's going to make you feel like we're hanging out? Yeah. Want to play wrestling? Or I'm like, I want to go exercise. And Blair now and Avery like, I want go exercise with you. So I'm like, fine.

totally just screws up my whole workout, right? But I'm like, fine, I let them get involved. So I like, do those little things, but like, yeah, when he said it to me, was like, my God, I like, especially I know, I know he knows what he's saying, he's six years old. So I'm like, he understands what he's telling me. I don't agree with it, but I felt it. Has he said anything like that to you? He hasn't. It's crazy. What about Blair? Blair?

hasn't said anything to me. I have noticed with her, she has, she's like, I'm like, if we're going to go do something, I'm like, like, or like yesterday when I was like, all right, we're gonna go home now. She was like, really? And I'm like, yeah, really? She's like, really? I'm like, yeah, really? She's like, what's he daddy and Avery?

And I'm like, yeah. And she's like, really? I'm like, OK, how many times you going to say really? Because I don't know how many more times I have to tell you, yes, we are going to go home and you're going to see your brother and your dad. That's the most that I've noticed with her. then the shopping, her wanting to go shopping. You feel like she's more connected to you? I feel like she's more connected to you than she is with me. Yeah.

So Avery, was with them. Like I said, his first three years, he's with me all the time. Blair, I don't, don't, what are you, I know she didn't like me. I know she didn't like me. don't know why. She tolerated you. Yeah, I don't know why she didn't like me. Like, you remember, why don't you feed her? It's not me. She doesn't want me to feed her. She intentionally refuses to be fed by me. Yeah. If you left and she looked at me, she was like, my.

God, I got to deal with you. She just never liked me. It's like 10 months in her life, didn't like me. She was always fully connected to you. I think she's still a little more fully connected to you now. You agree? yeah, because if you ask her who she wants to put to bed, it's going to be me. And if you ask Avery, he's going to say nine times out of 10, it's me. Which is cool. So with that, in this study as well, it says bonds.

are formed in early childhood that influence a person's relationship, emotional resilience and mental health well into their adulthood. And then it also was saying stuff about like that first, like few years kind of shapes their their view of you and their bond with you. Yeah. So it does make sense. Yeah. Right. But like now I'm like constantly asking you and constantly asking him like, go, go hang out with your mom.

Yeah. And then I'm like trying to like a little time with Blair like, hey, do you want to hang out with me? Playtime all day. Anything kind of real serious, she's like, where's my mom? Right. Avery, you think is Avery has, think Avery, my maternity leave was not long. And. You were with him 24 seven.

So I think he definitely bonded with you more. Whereas with Blair, I had a little bit of a longer maternity leave. And then on top of it, I also breastfed her. Like I strictly breastfed her as with Avery. Whole first year, basically. didn't really breastfeed. I breastfed, but I also gave him formula.

So yeah, think I have a stronger bond with her than she has with you.

They know who to go to for certain things. They know to go to you for the fun. They know to go to you for fun, to goof around, to be silly, all of that. They know that's to be you. And then when they got a boo boo, it's mommy. Or to help me to help them like take the bandaid out of the package. Right. So it's cool because it has I feel has like been proven.

This early bound that matters. Here's where it says key reasons why early bonding matters. It helps with emotional security, like you just said. Right. Some examples. Their brain development. This was interesting because for a long time. That's a dad's like, I'm going to be in denial somewhere on my kid a lot of times, or I'm just like, it's not that serious. Like, I believe something he's heard or he has something, but it's not as.

big, right? And you're going to notice like the John is like, he doesn't have John is. And I looked at my eyes, mad yellow. Or when I told you that he had a speech, a speech issues like, no, I understand him. Yeah, I understand him all day until I one day said to myself, like, let me ask him something that's not a close ended question. Yeah. And I was like, what do you want to do today? Good, good. That's like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

Bro, this isn't going well. mom is right. I need you to articulate to other people better than me because every time I asked him was like, you want this? Yeah, do you want that? So you and he knew what I was talking about, but he couldn't say it back. Yeah. And I was like, mom's right. He has speech issue. Building trust. Like you said, they know who to go to. Shaping their self-esteem. That one's huge. Social development.

And then parental benefits. We look into what's parental benefits thing to talk about. But the social development is interesting because I feel like me and you are like, all right, I need them to deal with other people. Blair, like Blair saw another human being and she went face first to the ground. She's like, nope, don't. She did that even with me. I was a 2.5 out of her three people she accepted me to. Like I sometimes fit in. She's like, right. So.

We was like no you need to go to other people. Yeah, especially other kids Yeah, need to socialize. So I find that one interesting that they say like early bonding. matters in that regard Pretty pretty cool So my question is so is it saying that their social bond is stronger or Is stronger when they have the bond because I'm like me and Blair had definitely had the bond but she had a bond

Well, this was saying why early bonding just matters. Like it can help in these other areas and like social development is like anxiety or thing when I was, when we finally put her in daycare. Yeah. It gives you tips on how we can,

How we can foster these words they use. don't talk like this. How they can, how you can foster early bonding, physical touch for sure. I always do that. And that is my love language. responsive communication. Avery. Yes. No, I thought he was talking. I guess he wasn't, quality time. Avery's asking for that play and S for an exploration and then consistency. Those two I think is.

Pretty valuable, especially now with the screen issues we're having with Avery. Yeah. It's like, dude, go use your brain. Imagine something. He's like, yeah, I'm bored. I have nothing to do. And as soon as he doesn't have that screen for like 16 minutes, I turn around, he's playing with Legos. I'd even he's doing all these things with him. Yeah. Right. And then I can also see his energy is so different. He's on the screens. He's so much more fussy and aggressive and short with things.

And it's like, dude, if this was a wrestling match right now, like I'm hitting you with my finisher immediately. He's just he's just super tough. This is this article is pretty cool. Pretty cool. Any of these feel like resonate with you or anything you would add?

How do you feel about the consistency?

I feel like that's very valid. I feel like I need to be more consistent. In what way? Just on what way?

being present with them.

This is a scene in your presence. OK. Yeah. Why do you think that's? I feel like sometimes I especially I feel like recently, I should say. I feel like when I was in Georgia, I was way more present with Avery than I was than I have been since we moved here. And I was more intentional about my time with him as well. Compared to when since we've been in.

We moved back to New England.

And my mental health has just that hasn't been like the best sense having Blair. That I think that's caused me to not be consistent. Like I'm I'm wavering because my mental health is wavering. Like for the last three years, I've I've been struggling, you know, not feeling like myself and stuff like that. So I think the consistency. In that.

I think it's good to be consistent because they know what to expect. Yeah. From you. know what to expect from them. Yeah. You know, again, Avery's always up until this point, I've always figured out a way to just spend time with Tim or make time for him. And now I'm like, dude, like I said, like I need some me time or I can't give you the all hundred percent time right now. Like when we were building the house or whatever. Now we're in the house and I'm working on the house and I'm like, dude, whatever the case. And he doesn't get it.

Like he doesn't get like, think it was what, like a month or two ago when I was doing laundry and I was like, honestly, I'm overwhelmed right now. I need you to go away. Let me and mom just have me and mommy talking time. I'll redo some laundry and you guys go play. And he, he just, he couldn't get it. He's just like, I just want, I'm like, I know, I know you all. I know I've never told you this, but you need to learn this part.

of life as well where you need to give people space and he's not good with space. He's not. He's not good respect the boundaries, not good understanding other people's space. What are we doing wrong? I just think I just think it's just because we was always my opinion. I think I just always gave him availability. Yeah. For whatever. And then also communication and like how he feels and all these things. And you said he was the first born. So he got a sense of just priority, only him.

True. So these things, right. But like, again, what do we say now? What do I say now? When he doesn't want to share my dude, you act like an only child. Yeah. Right. Because in some of his brain, he's like, I was. Yeah. You know, so there's that that sense of forever we earlier talked about. That's definitely changed some things for me as far as like feeling of responsibility as well as values that I'm going to have.

And and then like how I want that to carry on throughout his adult life. So like us, we're not we're not really judging people, right? I would classify us not. But I'm gotten picky. Who's around the kids? yeah, me too. Because, yeah, and you've always like that, I want to make sure they're aligned with us on morals, outlook, perspective, values, all of these things.

So he grows up to become a good person or contributing person to society and all those things. And then also I don't want to raise a person that I don't want to be around that is now my child. I would like, as my kid, won't have to be around them. I don't like spoiled kids. I don't like ungrateful. I don't like all these things, but he doesn't get it.

We have to teach them to be humble and all these things. Like you said, I don't know, like within the last six months, she was like, I can't believe I have to teach my kid to be appreciative. Yeah. Right. And I was like, well, how does he know? doesn't, he's to him, this is just normal life. Yeah.

I think it's like, I'm like, I don't know how my mom taught me it, if my mom taught me it, or it was just...

Cause I'm trying to reflect on like, what is it that my mom did that made me appreciative and made me grateful for the things that I had. And like, I had those moments in my life where, you know, I would ask for something and my mom would be like, you know, I'm sorry, mommy just doesn't have the money for it. And like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't wail out and be like so upset about it. You know, I'll be like, okay. Like I understood like for some like,

I just understood that like, mommy can't do it, you know? And I never gave my mom a hard time about that. And when I did get something, I appreciated it, you know? Cause I knew that I didn't have to. like, try to reflect on like, what is it that my mom did that made me appreciative and grateful for when I did get things? And...

I don't know if it's because I've made him not be appreciative because we've been so quick to give him all that he wants. And I feel like since being a mom, it's like, didn't like that. As much as I understood that my mom couldn't do it, I still felt a pain in my chest. And I don't want him to feel that pain.

Yeah. So I'm giving him what he wants and trying to provide him a life that I didn't have. But then now I'm making a spoiled brat. Yeah, no. So that's right. Like you just said that that recall, I have that recall. So I was super understanding. I would think my mom at least relayed that to me. That was understanding of like circumstances.

Even when she's like, we don't have it and we had it, but it was just because we're looking for the bigger picture of something like, we're building towards something. Yeah. I was like, OK, whatever. I didn't get that part of it. I do now. like, so I was like, we don't have the money. understood that. So I use that as I use that as an expression now, like, no, we don't have the money. So he's like, mommy got the money or we can just go buy it. Like he said the other day, he's like, Daddy, you should buy me a game. I think we got the money. Right. And I was like, so for a time, I was telling him, like, I don't have the money until I talked to Greg.

And Greg gave me great advice. He was like, no, we don't say that. We say, what have you done to earn this and make you feel you deserve it? Now I'm like, that's my. That's my expression so he can feel appreciative, because that's the thing. I want him to work for something. I want to understand what it feels like when he's achieved it and like his work towards it. Same thing with the outlook. I want people to be able to give him that same outlook like you can achieve something. I don't want Debbie Downers. Yeah. I don't want people to give false hope of like.

Things are easily achievable as well. Yeah. Like, know, like, no, it's going to take work. Like, I'm not going to, I'm not going to lie to you. Like, there's going to be some effort here. There's going be some growing pains here. There's going to be some sacrifices you're to have to make. And he's going to be all your things you got to go through because we've gone through our own. Now you got to go through them. Yeah. I think one thing I've, I've realized that is the struggles and challenges that we had as a kid.

or the scars that we got as a kid, we will try our hardest not to have our kids have that scar, but they're still gonna have scars. Even if you don't know they're a scar like for me. It's unintentional. Like now as an adult, I know that some of the things that my parents might have said or did could have been hurtful to me.

I understand that it wasn't intentional. They weren't intentionally saying those things. They were doing it out of the goodness of their heart. And they were being the best parent that they could be. And now as being as a parent, I understand that. It still hurt. It still hurt. It left a scar. So I feel like I sometimes wonder,

What is it that I'm doing unintentionally that's going to scar him or her? I think there's all the things. Now you keep saying I'm not patient. So like four times this episode. So I feel like I'm more patient. So don't feel like you are. So when he was first born, Tiny Things, I felt like I was upset about like, my gosh. Now I'm like.

It went from zero seconds to three seconds, but it's three more than it was. It's all about progress. The one percent better a day thing. So can you really say that that's there's things I'm more patient. Not a lot of stuff. There's certain things I'm more patient. And if I know I'm not patient, I've at least acknowledged that I know I'm not patient there. And so, like you said before, I'm a tag you in.

Except I'm like, Dunda, I don't got the time because I'm going to flip out. I'm going get so upset over this. And then there's times where I know you're not patient in certain things. So I learned that, like, again, I'm like, normally I'm not I'm not caring about that type of stuff. Well, the people just like I'm so worried about me and not like in a conceited way, but like me as I like, I'm just in my own space. Like I'm. I'm not looking at bumping into anyone's path. You know, like I'm happy for everyone's path.

And I'm not looking to be involved. already be involved in, but when it comes to certain things like, I see done this patients is going down. I see Blair's patients is too high, too low for Avery or Avery's is too low for her. So I jump in, in moments where I normally don't have the patients. When I see you or someone else has zero pain, I boom, have a, I'm a recharge of my patients for that because I feel like all of us can't be attacking.

Yeah. The one kid. Yeah. And so like, I feel my patience has gotten better. And it's not better. It's gotten at least not noticeable. needed, when it's needed, it's there. I think there's just moments. think I think when there's. I think you need to work more on getting your me time. Yeah. Because there's moments you have moments where.

It's something has happened like once or twice and you are already at level 10. I don't have it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Before you have the people looking at me crazy. I don't have a good I don't have a good build up in the meter. It's just like it's like what we do at work, right? There's something called like bullying and values is just two states have on and off.

There's no in between, there's no warm up. So I'd be chilling. So it's hard for me to be able to tag in before you get to that point because it's just, it's a little bit unpredictable. Well, when I get to that point, I'm learning I'm at the point the same time you are.

because I'm chilling. I'm just like, and then I see no, like, and you look at me like, damn dude. And I'm like, yeah, that was sudden, huh? I didn't even know I was going to get there. Yeah, like, so it's, it's unpredictable. So that's why I say that your patience is not the best because it's, it's unpredictable. Like it's if, if you were able to provide that warm up or provide some type of signal before you got, got to.

where you need to tap out, you know, would be great. You know, and you've done that. You have done that maybe a handful of times. You have done that where you're like, Thunder, I need you to take I need you to to get in, get in, get in here. But then there's and then and there's or there's times. There's times I cut you. You're like, I'm like, whoa, I got it. Yeah. What's the problem? Yeah.

And that's when I was, and that's again, there was a moment I'm just as mad as you, but I see you're not. I'm like, that's two, it's two against one. Let's not do that. Let me jump in. You know, what's not on that list is the value of bonding is super huge for yourself and for the kids. Yeah, I've, I've heard, I've heard about.

I mean, I'm always there for people, but I'm way more there for my kids. But what's missing from all of that is, yeah, bonding is great, but it doesn't talk about how hard it is to sometimes bond. At least I can't speak on a father perspective, but like in a mother's perspective, when it comes to postpartum, like we are just going,

we are going through so much change that sometimes that bond is hard to have. And I feel like with Avery, I didn't have that issue. I didn't have an issue with bonding. Life was great, was grand. Things were consistent. I worked Friday through Monday and

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday were my days with him. And we did our thing. We went out, we played, we went to the library. did, like, I did everything, like, everything with him. And I felt like I had a really good bond with him. And then with Blair, I feel like my, I I went the postpartum depression. It was difficult.

to be able to bond, it wasn't even that. I feel like I was bonding with Blair because I was with her all the time. I had to take care of her. She needed, she had a lot of needs. But my bond with Avery, I felt got disconnected because of my postpartum. And I feel like that's when he started, I think that's when.

Like he had that bond with you. Like it was a strong bond that he had with you. But I felt like this bond between you and him got even stronger after that point, after having Blair, because my postpartum was not affecting my relationship with Blair, but was affecting my relationship with him. he was still going through, like I think when they talk about the bonding, they talk about it, like especially the first five years of the kid's life, you know?

that was happening around when he was three, four, five, you know, and it sucks because for the last three years of his life, my mental health hasn't been the best and he's gotten the shitty end of the stick from it, I feel.

Yeah, I feel like it's crazy. the last three years I'm like sitting back and thinking, you know, because he started going through the child alopecia, his hair's falling out. And then I say it's due to stress. And at the same like, what are you stressed about? And I'm like, he's relocated states. He's at this. We've got a new field. He got a new sibling. He's moved. Last three years have been. It's been a lot of change. It's been a lot of change for him. Different states, different, a lot of new people, all these new schools, you know, new routines.

And then his mom's going through the craziness. So, yeah, I mean, I never. It didn't mention that on here, and I didn't make this research based off of on a father's perspective. So that's a crazy good point you just brought up about like. Your chin, your your your different person as soon as you become pregnant and then as soon as you have the kid, right, like physically, mentally, right. And then emotionally.

And I think there's research now that says that women can be in postpartum until like a good, I think seven years. And think about it. That seven years kind of repeats itself every time you have a kid. yeah, I think I'm getting better.

But how much have I already kind of scarred him? I don't think you scarred him. But I think again, it's just a good point to be like, you're now entirely different. And then you now you have these other aspects you have to deal with postpartum that you didn't have to deal with before. Yeah. And so like you're an entirely new person in all these ways. And then how it's affecting a new human in all their ways. And then lastly, how bonding, how critical we're seeing it is.

how it can shape you. It's kind of super interesting that that wasn't in this at all. It's a great point. You might need to go on Oprah. my God. All right, well, let's wrap this up. episode of Times with Dad was pretty good. I'm happy that mom was able to join on Times with Dad. You are very welcome. I'm happy you was able to save me because I was struggling to come up with a topic.

You are very welcome. What would you do without me? Everything. So thanks everybody for listening to times with that this episode. Bye.

What are you thinking? I'm just thinking about how I really like my bond with him really did get disconnected after having Blair.